It’s complicated and many of us will understand the following if one of our adult kids have moved away or are keeping their distance: When you’re growing up, one would assume that as an adult, you will always want to keep close contact with your parents no matter what. However, this just isn’t always the case. Things just seem to happen in our lives to make this difficult.

We leave the nest, we grow into ourselves, fall in love, start our own families, work tirelessly to build our careers, and all of these responsibilities take up our time and energy that would once be reserved for our families.

The farther we move away (literally or emotionally), the more challenging it becomes to maintain that close family bond. “Evidence supports the fact that distance does create a barrier in maintaining family contact, and particularly for in-person contact, people with a farther social network report fewer interactions,” explains Pew Research. This also explains why, even in families that are in a constant loving bond, people don’t necessarily contact each other as often as one may think. As a study in the Journal of Population Ageing says, it’s “quality versus quantity, rather than the sheer amount of contact.”

Unresolved Conflicts The reasons we develop emotional distance from our families often go back to unresolved conflicts from our pasts. These unresolved issues can contribute to our reluctance to visit or engage in our family, regardless of our geographical proximity to one another.

In the worst case scenario, conflicts or a major dispute can cause a complete shutdown and may even prevent contact altogether. It’s often the emotional distance between family members that presents the real problem, not the distance that you have to travel. We would often need the strength and the determination to step first into these deep emotional gaps to resolve them or simply attempt to make things better with our families.

No Communication and Assumptions Sometimes, distance just means no one’s actually saying anything to anyone. The parents might assume their kids know they can pop in any time, while the kids are probably wondering whether it’s too much to call twice a week. Assumptions and things left unsaid have the capacity to create a chasm between loved ones – what one side sees as giving “space,” the other feels as “they don’t care” or “they’re too busy for me.”

Research indicates these small things do add up.

According to one study on family relationships published in the Journal of Family Communication, not large gatherings on holidays, but small “micro-check-ins” (quick texts or short calls asking how someone’s day went) predict closeness in families more than any other factor. On the other hand, families who are vague in their assumptions about each other have been known to grow further apart without realizing what is happening. Unfortunately, once distance sets in, closing that gap can be extremely difficult and so the only way to get back together is for both parties to ensure that the relationship remains valuable and meaningful and that neither has any questions about where he stands. Lack of Emotional Support It is possible that children might have grown up in homes where parents did not respond well to the children’s emotional expression, such as ignoring their tears, or told them their feelings don’t matter.

Such children, who may continue to believe they don’t matter, would find it impossible to bond and connect with other individuals, regardless of their intentions to connect with other individuals.

Rather than revealing who they are they choose to hide behind a wall, for fear of being rejected as a child. The science behind it is as follows: As reported by the American Psychological Association, adults may bond and attach to individuals the same way that they bonded as children. If the emotional needs of a child are not met as the parent has had them as their parents, this can potentially create a rift between the two individuals, a distance that will remain there and be experienced by each individual through unspoken resentment.

For the adult child who has never felt fully validated, the tendency would be to withdraw either by stop calling home, or keeping communication superficial. This happens not as a means of hurting their parent, but as a measure to protect themselves from more emotional damage. One possible solution here would involve both parents going back in time and rectifying the past and then build a new and open connection.

Parental Narcissism When a parent constantly places their needs and feelings before those of their children, it can be incredibly difficult to maintain a well-balanced, healthy relationship with them. It’s tough when a parental figure can’t be the sounding board and a safe person to cry to, and as soon as any criticism is brought up, will brush away the subject and become defensive, as there is now a great wall between them and their kids. Children raised by parents with narcissistic tendencies often find themselves feeling insignificant when growing up, and as they age, tend to pull away as a way of preserving themselves.

In a more clinical sense, the visual is quite evident.

American Psychological Association studies confirm how damaging parental lack of empathy can be to our emotional development, and as a result, our adult relationships. It is quite difficult to feel “safe” in any form of close proximity when you never truly feel “heard” when you are growing up. However, in instances where visitations dwindle to none, it often appears to be instinctual to fault the child, when in fact, the parents aren’t aware that this only further erodes the relationship that once existed. It’s in a moment of non-judgmental, honest conversation that either side of the coin can begin to understand “why” the disconnect is occurring and start to take steps towards remedying it.

In the end, the widening divide that appears between children and their parents is hardly due to a single incident but a series of events and misinterpretations.

What one party may interpret as an inability to be bothered and uncaring could in reality stem from underlying assumptions or an inability to address past events fully. One thing that is evident about theparent/child relationship is that it is remarkably resilient. It’s very possible to improve even the worst parent and child dynamic simply by each individual showing a willing effort.

From as little as sending a “thinking of you” text, to having a conversation or two, either way, the relationship is well on its way towards becoming healthier.